Why I'm Starting Over with Friendships (And Why You Might Want To Also)

This past year, I found myself completely alone. No close friendships, no romantic partner, and my family lives far from me. I always found it easy to make friends. Ever since I was young, I had at least 1-2 close friendships in my life. But now, here I am standing alone, looking around and wondering how I let this happen.

The irony wasn't lost on me. I failed most at what I'm trying to build as a business: keeping and building community.

This is something I'm not proud to admit or say out loud. But they say we build something that we need the most. I guess it's cliché for a reason. And for me, that's a community of people who simply get me, who see me for me, and still want to be my friend. People I can surround myself with and be my full self, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The Wake-Up Call

Looking back, where I failed most was my mindset around friendships. I took my friends for granted instead of appreciating and nourishing each relationship. I didn't keep the little connection points alive, instead letting them fizzle out. When my good friend moved out of town, I found it harder to keep those touch points alive, missing phone calls from her and not texting back in a timely manner.

But the wake-up call went deeper than that one incident. The hardest part was recognizing the patterns that had been building for years.

🙅‍♀️ I would cancel plans when work got busy

🙅‍♀️ I stopped initiating conversations, assuming they would reach out first

🙅‍♀️ I let months pass without checking in, then felt awkward about reconnecting

🙅‍♀️ I treated friendships like they should maintain themselves.

It was a hard pill to swallow. This realization forced me to examine not just what went wrong, but how I'd been thinking about friendships all along. My entire approach needed an overhaul.

What I Learned About Myself

For years, I took friendships for granted because making friends had always been effortless. I found them through work, through my various hobbies and interests, even just doing random errands. I actually met someone at a nail salon once when we were getting our nails done and struck up a conversation from there. It was as simple as that. Connection came naturally and didn't require much work from me.

But as I got older, things shifted. Like most changes, I didn't realize it was happening at the moment. Finding new friends wasn't as easy as it used to be. It became more difficult, more challenging. And honestly? I didn't want to invest the energy it took to make new friendships stick.

Instead, I prioritized other things, not accounting for the massive benefits friendships bring to our lives. I focused on my career and romantic interests, putting friendships on the backseat. I told myself I needed to get these other areas sorted first, and then I could prioritize friendships.

While there's truth to that, I realized it doesn't have to be either/or. I can work on multiple areas simultaneously. My friendships can actually help with my overall wellbeing too. That's when I knew I needed a complete mindset shift around friendships.

The Mindset Shift That Changed Everything

Here's what I finally understood:

Friendships take as much work as romantic relationships

We don't put friendships in the same category as romantic relationships, but we should. Friendships fall to the wayside when we get into new relationships, focus on careers, or start families. We treat them as optional when life gets overwhelming. We're juggling careers, romantic relationships, growing families, our health, social media, the latest wellness trends, skincare routines. The list never ends.

Friendships usually land last on our priority list. But as kids? Friendships were everything. They were our lifeline outside of family, people our age who understood us, who simply got us. We didn't have competing priorities. Family, friends, school. That was it. Simple.

Then we grew up and our priorities shifted dramatically. Career advancement became crucial. Finding a life partner became urgent, especially if we wanted families. Friendships took a backseat and for most of us, stayed there permanently. It became easier to avoid the potential pain, heartache, or drama of building new relationships when we already had so much on our plates.

I get it. I've been there. But here's what no one talks about: admitting you need friends as an adult feels terrifying. It evokes shame, loneliness, that "what's wrong with me?" mentality. I know because I feel these emotions every time I admit that I need friends, that community is lacking in my life, that I'm wondering where my people are.

After years of not prioritizing friendships, I found myself completely alone. I missed the community I once had and never took time to cultivate new connections. It was devastating.

The reality hit me hard: friendships don't come as easily as they used to. This was an identity shift I hadn't prepared for. I actually have to work at it now. I have to put myself out there instead of expecting people to naturally gravitate toward me.

That's when I decided things had to change. Moving forward, I want to value the friends I have by making sure they know it. I want to maintain relationships through small but consistent connection points, whether that's a quick text saying I'm thinking of them or other small gestures that go a long way. I want to value my friendships as much as anything else in my life, not put them on the backburner when something else comes up.

How I'm Doing Things Differently Now

I've made finding and building friendships a priority, not a "nice to have." To do this effectively, I had to get strategic. What kinds of friends do I actually want in my life? Activity partners for adventures? People for deep, meaningful conversations? Someone to laugh with and share inside jokes? Once I got clear on what I was seeking, I could figure out where to find these people.

I started saying yes to connection opportunities even when they didn't fit neatly into my schedule. When someone invites me somewhere, instead of automatically declining, I try saying yes and see what happens.

I've been reading books on friendships, loneliness, connection, and community. I attend networking events. I say hi to people at community gatherings and try to initiate conversations, slowly building those connections.

The practical changes have been just as important as the mindset shifts. I treat coffee dates like business meetings now. I schedule them in advance and don't cancel. I keep notes in my phone about friends' important events so I can follow up meaningfully. I've learned to show up consistently, which turns out to be one of the most valuable friendship skills of all.

This journey is why I believe we should all consider starting over with our approach to friendships.

My New Friendship Strategy

✅ Get Clear on What I Want: Activity partners? Deep conversation friends? Someone to laugh with?

✅ Say Yes More: Accept invitations even when they don't fit perfectly into my schedule

✅ Treat Coffee Dates Like Business Meetings: Schedule in advance and don't cancel

✅ Keep Friend Notes: Important events in my phone so I can follow up meaningfully

Why You Might Want To Start Over with Friendships Too

If any part of my story sounds familiar, if you've found yourself scrolling through old photos wondering where those friends went, or if you feel that familiar ache of loneliness even when you're busy with life, it might be time for your own friendship reset.

Here's what I wish someone had told me sooner:

Starting over doesn't mean you failed. It means you're brave enough to admit that what you've been doing isn't working and wise enough to try something different.

Maybe you've been waiting for friendships to happen naturally, the way they did when you were younger. Maybe you've been so focused on other goals that you've let your social circle shrink to just work colleagues and family. Maybe, like me, you've been carrying shame about "needing" friends as an adult, as if wanting connection makes you somehow lacking.

But here's the truth I've learned: we all need people who see us, support us, and celebrate us. We need friends who remember our stories, who check in when we're quiet, who laugh at our jokes even when they're not that funny. These relationships don't just make life more enjoyable. They make us more resilient, more ourselves, more alive.

The people you're meant to connect with are out there, living their own lives, maybe feeling just as lonely as you do, maybe also wondering if they're the only one who struggles to make friends as an adult. They're at coffee shops and community events, at book clubs and hiking groups, at work and at the gym. But they won't find you if you're not looking for them too.

Starting over with friendships means getting intentional about connection the same way you would with any other important area of your life. It means saying yes when you'd rather say no, reaching out first instead of waiting, and treating friendship dates with the same respect you'd give a work meeting.

It means recognizing that the investment is worth it. Because on the other side of that vulnerability, that effort, that risk of putting yourself out there, are the people who will become your chosen family. The ones who will text you on random Tuesdays, who will show up when you need them, who will remind you who you are when you forget.

That's exactly why I built Community Circles. Because I realized I wasn't the only one struggling with this. We all need community, and sometimes we need a little structure and support to find it. Sometimes we need permission to start over and try again.

Your people are out there. The question isn't whether you deserve good friendships (you do) or whether it's too late to build them (it's not). The question is: are you ready to go find them?

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